What does it mean to dedicate yourself to something? To care about it enough that you pour in hours of your time in order to achieve that end goal--whatever it may be? We could be talking about school, work, or even a game. And even though in some minds, working towards a promotion in your career is more valuable than carefully building up your MMORPG video game stats, I'm not here to talk about one over the other. We're here to consider why people throw themselves into various projects and how they manage to stoke enough drive to keep going.

Instructors have told us from early on: do what you love to do. School is here to help you figure that out. And thus we start learning about everything there is to know. Granted, there are politics in what certain schools cover, and what they do not. But if we consider that school is the entire spectrum of life learning, not just text book, it eliminates the bias towards academia. What I mean is: if you love softball as a child and decide that you want to be a professional volleyball player as an adult, then you're given kudos. Congratulations on choosing! You're special for deciding and actively pursuing your goals. But don't waffle on that decision. Only weak people have second thoughts, so keep at it.

Does our society support this kind of thinking? Maybe not. But at least in my experience, choosing a vital future goal is rewarded. Stating confusion is not.

But it's not anyone's fault if they can't choose any one thing to delve headfirst into. What about fear of failure or being hurt? I realize that this is part of any kind of decision, whether if it's choosing the side of your happy meal or what college to go to. But the fear remains. And if that fear continues, will it effect everything else? Is it possible for someone to just never make a hard decision for themselves or others for as long as possible?

Realization: I've been too scared to make a move, only doing so when I felt comfortable enough to do it in every aspect. And while this can work for most situations, it won't in the long run. I can't be afraid of responsibility forever. I can't be afraid of being in the drivers' seat forever.

I can't be afraid of not predicting the future forever. It's why I never deeply pursued my schoolwork (evidenced in lack of doing homework, studying) for fear of not doing well even if I did try my hardest. It's why even though I proclaim myself a gamer, I never went hard-core into it for fear it would be too hard instead of giving it a go. I say I want to write, but never update my blogs. I can't really account for why, maybe I'm just afraid for people to see these open confession blogs in a judgmental way.
It could be said, sure that I did make tough decisions in life. I went to college! Yes I did. But that decision was very easy as big as it was. Now it seems as though everyday little decisions become the hard ones. For example, I want to be playing my video game right now in order to finally finish it. But I also want to be reading my book like I should be doing. And this discussion within my mind spirals into the two polars: video games are a waste of time. No.. wait. There's nothing wrong with them, I can achieve my own self-actualization through a video game just as I can through a book.

How can these two opinions reside in the same conscious? What ends up happening: They cancel each other out, and time is instead spent mindlessly surfing the internet. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But it's something I've had to deal with for as long as I can remember.

It's also about taking the easy way out by leaving decisions up to other people. Hidden behind modesty, this is easily achieved. Oh, don't worry about me, whatever works for you is fine too. And that's it. The responsibility is gone and there's no more to stress about. It's a cowardly way out, and I'd been doing it for years. But I recognize now that I'm miserable doing this. I've been lying to myself about what I want, and what I should do to achieve these goals.

I haven't been looking for that elusive middle ground. Where it's okay to pursue my leisure activities to the full extent while going for my career goals at the same time. I think it's time to start. Baby-steps. I think I'll start with the book, since it's due back to the library soon..